


Memories bring pain

by Shadowdemon13775



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Conversion camp karkat and im sorry, Denial of Feelings, Disability, Heavy Angst, Humanstuck, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Self-Denial, Sexuality Crisis, Slurs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:15:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27163048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowdemon13775/pseuds/Shadowdemon13775
Summary: Karkat is raised in a very religious home and has more mental problems than I do. Everything hurts and he will be sent to a conversion camp so please be warmed.
Relationships: Dave Strider & Karkat Vantas, Gamzee Makara/Karkat Vantas, Jade Harley/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 22
Kudos: 34





	1. YOBAA

The first thing that you need to know about Karkat Vantas is; he was raised in a catholic conservative family on the northside of Texas. His family moved there when he was about 12 years old, his father taking "the opportunity of a lifetime" to uproot his family and become the priest of a developing part of the city his family would call home. 

Well. Developing was a strong word. The house the Vantas' owned was surrounded by miles of nothing but cows, crops, and preteen desperation. Karkat was agitated on a constant basis, waiting for the day he could start school again and stare at a white board instead of the yellow fields outside the white picket fence his parents called a property line. 

But alas, school wasn't much better, his parents opted for "well rounded" and some other bullshit words his mother fed him while breaking the news he'd be spending the rest of his middle school years cooped up in a boarding school on the out(er)skirts of town. "Well you'll still get to come home on sundays." He remembered her mock words of encouragement. Like she was doing this for his own good while simultaneously glad he'd be out of her hair six days of the week. 

Karkat closed his eyes slowly and let his forehead touch the cool glass of his window on the school bus, holding his bag in his lap and using it as a social shield from the soon to be classmate sitting next to him as he let himself descend into pity. "But mot-" he sucked in a slow breath as he recalled the bitter memory stuck in his head. 

"You know we wouldn't have to do this if you hadn't.." she said sharply. As if she was waiting for Karkat to talk back. As if, she knew he was going to talk back. She didn't have to finish her sentence, Karkat knew what he had done. It was why they moved, why his father demanded the job, searching for something far enough away from the city Karkat was born in. Far enough away from the cause of all this.

He hadn't realized he could feel so much frustration towards someone he used to call a best friend, someone who he thought he knew, someone who was supposed to understand Karkats life and his family dynamics. 

Karkat mindlessly touched his bottom lip as he thought, was he even supposed to consider Gamzee his best friend now? The guy was adamant on calling Karkat his boyfriend; to anyone and everyone who would listen, but like he told his parents; Gamzee was only joking, they were kids after all, Gamzee doesn't know any better. He has a rough family life. Karkat tried to use everything he could to get his parents to believe him that mid fall day they picked him up from school. Gamzee holding the shorter boys hand and leaning in for the gentlest of pecks on Karkats chapped lips, as a sweet way to say goodbye for just the school day. Expecting tomorrow to be just as wonderful as that moment felt.

It was his first kiss, and the kiss definitely was up to standards, it made his stomach feel like it was swirling in knots, made his hands sweat and the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. It was the definition of phenomenal, Karkat could even feel the sickening feeling now as he thought, mindlessly holding his stomach and letting out a gentle grunt as his intestines screamed. Hell. Maybe he had gas. 

That night was a nightmare, he tried to defend himself with blatant lies, nothing he'd done before had prepared him for this conversation, he begged and pleaded with his father but by the end of the week he was packing his bags, tears threatening to fall from his eyes as he thought about how he had to start at a school half way through the year and how he had to leave his friends. Half way through packing his things his door was opened, pushed open. Because "Locks are for children who don't destroy trust."

Father started to pack with the child.

The worst part was how his father took his things, stuffing anything that wasn't "right" or "necessary" into a black plastic bag. Karkat stood, waiting for it to be over, his nails digging into his palms, he didn't even realize when he had moved, his hands holding tight to a deep purple sweater. A gift. From someone already taken from his life. "Wait. Not.." he looked into his dads eyes, filled with a rage he'd never seen before, and Karkat was honestly afraid. He let go of the jacket as fast as he grabbed it. Tears watering in his eyes as the fabric disappeared in the bag, doomed for the landfill.

Karkat rubbed his eyes now. It felt so long ago as if he'd aged a lifetime in the last month. Staring at the large gate opening in front of the bus, and closing behind it. Consuming it, like a monster with large teeth taking what was left of his childhood away from him.

The next few months weren't all bad, no one seemed to talk to Karkat, only talk about him. Why he was transferred half way through, or why he seemed so calm and cold and then had sudden bursts of outrage. He was a problem starter to only the children, as if he was deflecting any feelings of negativity he had to nameless children around him. Just as helpless as he was. Then act calm and caring to any adult figure in his life. They were the tickets to get out of this hell hole anyways. He knew constant reviews were being sent back home. He'd seen them. In a pile on the bedside table in his mothers room. Red ink slashing the pages, slashing any chances he'd have to leave. Red turned to blue soon after. And soon he'd find stars of perfection. Which is what he'd have to be. He could do it. He could be the perfect child and maybe.. everything would go back to the way things were. Karkat wouldn't have to be scared, and his father wouldn't have to be angry. 

The dream lived on in everything he did, the next few months Karkat hoped that everything would go back to normal during summer vacation. Fingers crossed as his parents read over the fine letter the teachers wrote. Proud of the outstanding boy Karkat became, perfect marks and perfect grades, he memorized every passage given to him and always willing to take lead. "I was thinking.." he murmured quietly, hands behind his back, slowly letting out a breath. "If I could go back to.. public school next year. The kids at the boarding school are great. I just.." he stopped in his tracks, the fleeting idea of everything going back to normal deflated the second he saw his dads eyes, they were cold and fiery at the same time. Daring the child to speak further.

Karkats shoulders slumped just a little as he walked out of the room, the silence dismissing him. Maybe he wasn't doing good enough. Maybe he needed to try harder, Karkat felt the soft ringing in his ears and shook his head to try and get rid of the sound, his older brother would be going off to college soon. He wasn't pleased, either, with the situation Karkat put them in, and honestly Karkat was too afraid to even speak to the older teen. Instead he slipped off to his room, trying to stay as quiet as possible as he distracted himself for the rest of the night. 

~~~

The next year felt like a blur. He hadn't uttered a word about public school, tried to push it out of his mind as far as possible. Especially as he laid on his bunk in the dorm. Holding his pillow close and mastering the silent cry as he drifted off. He wanted everything back, his school, his life, his friends.. his.. 

His Gamzee. He almost hated to think about it. However the guy would always have a soft spot in his heart, a heart that ached and begged for the pain to stop, as if every car ever came to a four-way stop in his life, but none of them halted. All the cars speeding up to their known destinations, without a single thought to anyone or anything around. Crashing into eachother like the biggest fucking shit show every. And karkat was in said middle of the shit show. Crying and scared. And.. and.. wow. That analogy got away from us.. didn't it?

Every day was a battle. Every word spoken seared his flesh and left him red and blistered, every class was another agonizing slap to the face. It wouldn't be that bad if he didn't feel so alone and isolated, and he knew he should have tried more. To make friends, to play nice. But anytime a student of his age spoke to him Karkat met them with nothing but venom, fury spilling from his tongue before he could stop himself, until every single one of them hated him too. Maybe more so, because they had a reason, Karkat didn't have anyone to blame but himself. 

Which is what he told himself, this was his fault. He was the reason everything got so unbelievably fucked up, he was the reason his parents sent him here, he was the reason Gamzee felt inclined to pity him enough. He was the reason every single student and their dog hated him. Because he was harsh, and mean, and.. and. 

He had no right to justify his own actions. 

This was him. An angry child. In an unforgiving world. Overreacting to every stimuli thrown at him. 

He had no right to apologize for the mess he'd become. This was his fault. 

Everything was his fault. 

~~~~~

He was thirteen now, summer coming to bring another birthday, he'd be fourteen, one more year of middle school and then he'd be sent off overseas to an abroad program, completely out of their hair until he was old enough to ship off to be a doctor or lawyer. Definitely not part of the clergy, like his father..Or something of that business. Either way, Karkat started to expect the worst. 

Karkat was silent as his older brother packed most of his things away, starting college and only showing back up for holidays. He almost wanted to miss Kankri. He was still so sure Kankri hated him, he missed out on valedictorian his senior year because the one prodigy in all of Texas was at his new school, stealing the spotlight even before Kankri had the chance. He almost talked about it constantly, as if it was justification for the cold shoulder every Sunday. 

Kankri packed his bags into the car the day after Karkats birthday. Karkat being told to lift boxes into the car as a last "special time" to spend with his older brother. He stayed quiet, listening to the now college student talking about… well. Who cares. We have bigger fish to fry in this chapter.

Karkat wondered what it would be like to move, to only come home when he wanted to, to only call then he was available, not every 5-6 on Tuesday nights. Trying to fill the silence with his mother by asking about the most mundane topics imaginable. 

The idea tasted like freedom. Like full-grown American freedom. Like fireworks and hotdogs, like cotton candy and ferris wheel seats. 

Once the boxes were packed and Kankri took a breath, the debate club Definitely trained him by filling him with the air he needed for the second half of his speech. "Karkat.. "he started, And Karkats eyes focused for a few seconds while his name was being called.

"I have.. something for you.. since. Yesterday was your birthday and all." He didn't sound quite like Kankri. Karkat knew his brother well. He never seemed this nervous, he was never nervous. He was.. perfect. The Vantas Karkat was striving to be. And the pang of jealousy swelled in his gut. He didn't say anything. Wondering if Kankri would pull out a bill of Kankris grieving counselor for the suffering his younger brother put him through.

Instead the older boy handed his brother a small shopping bag. Not the see through kind. But the white type, artifact holding an artifact hiding inside. Kankri squeezed the bag as he was not quite ready to give it over. "Tonight. And be quiet about it.." he said barely above a whisper. 

Karkat took the bag and turned. Ready to run for it. Whatever this object was it was light. He could make it to his room and back before his parents even noticed he was gone. 

The front door opened, and Karkat turned again, lifting up his sweat shirt and stuffing the gift inside, Kankri looked like he'd gone through several of the stages of grief at Karkats blatant display of deceit. Or some bullshit like that Kankri would have said if he wasn't in shock. 

Their mother had already been crying, and the family spent the next five minutes together. And it wasn't even a scheduled time zone this time. No dinner time, game or family time. Just a family, crying over the loss of their eldest son, and a young boy, smoothing over his stomach so it didn't quite look like he was pregnant. 

That night karkat sat on his bed, touching the plastic of the bag. Trying to do so quietly as he mulled over the possibilities. It felt like a fabric, maybe a scarf or blanket? No. There would be no reason to hide such a thing. Unless Karkat over reacted again?

He squeezed the plastic as he thought, tearing 8 small circles in the bag as he did so. Damn. He Definitely needed to get his anger checked. Karkat eyebrows pushed together as he saw what the small holes shown underneath. A deep purple… a few small cigarette holes. A..

Karkat was Definitely glad he'd mastered the silent crying, because tears streamed down his cheeks, taking the jacket out of the broken bag and bearing it into his face. He couldn't smell anything. The jacket was probably washed long ago and left alone until just the very day. 

Kankri.. he.

Karkat cried harder over the implications. Every nasty thought, every assumed silent argument. And Kankri dug through the trash to find a jacket he probably didn't understand the meaning of, and kept the jacket like a dirty secret for over a year. Just for his little brother who couldn't even communicate his own feelings to an older child he threw so much resentment towards, while Kankri just tried to live his own life. Working just as hard and maybe even harder to get to the level of satisfaction his parents demanded of the two.

That night Karkat hid under his blanket. And fell asleep with a dry face. Well damn. Karkat didn't cry himself to sleep that night, who would have expected that turn of events? He curled up in the fetal position, wrapped around the jacket.


	2. School? With the public...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Public school gives Karkat more than he bargained for in this exciting adventure

The second thing you need to know about Karkat Vantas was; he completely gave up on life at this point. This one last year of middle school and he was done for, maybe they'd send him to a boys home instead of highschool. That'd be fucking ironic, trying his damedest to make sure he didn't end up in anything worse then the religious middle school he was forced in, just the idea burned his skull with a headache, throbbing behind his eyes as he sat in his seat on that frosty Monday morning. No one sat next to him, his bag now occupying the space. Who would want to sit next to the boy anyways? He looked like any second he had a free moment to think he was consumed by the spiraling darkness inside of him.. 

Plus he looked like a truck ran him over. 

The bags under his eyes are a stark comparison to the color of his skin. Yet his hair was combed and his shirt tucked in accordingly. He was a walking contradiction, like a life size doll that refused to maintain itself, unsure how normal people ate and slept. 

Karkats fingers twiddling together, he hated the drive the most of all, it was the most time he had to think about everything condemning him to this world, which swirled him further down the toilet of the universe. 

If he had lived in a time different then this maybe he could get the proper help he needed with his own mental stability, diagnosable illnesses he wasn't even aware of. Acute paranoia, manic bipolar, and a possible form of autism just hiding behind the shields and covers in his life. But we aren't here to diagnose him. Are we? We're here to watch a fourteen year old have a quiet mental breakdown for the fucktunth time in his life.

Karkat looked at his hands. They shook gently in his lap and he squeezed them as if that would solve all his problems, nails digging into softly Crescent shaped scars on his palms. 

He needed to get out of here, he wouldn't be able to handle this much longer. 

~~~

He was fifteen now, birthdays didn't feel special anymore, but he couldn't even remember if they ever were in the beginning. His memories of before no longer mattered to him and they faded like memories do.Packing up his clothes in his suitcase that night. He didn't know where he was going now that he was older, too old to go back to the boarding school. Karkat decided he needed to distract himself so he didn't think about the possibilities. 

Hell. Maybe they'd take him outback and shoot him like a broken horse. 

Okay wow. That was the exact opposite of not thinking. 

The next morning Karkat picked at his plate in silence, his gut still turning around inside of him. Like a toddler with controls of the train in his stomach and his nerve endings were the tracks. "At.." a sound broke through the fog inside of him, sitting up at attention, his eyes darting over the two other people in the dining room to figure out who said what. Unless he had said something and he hadn't realized it had come from himself. "How does that sound, Karkat?" It was his mother who had spoken. 

"Sounds wonderful. Mother." He said mindlessly, picking up the conversation with context clues. Hoping he chose the correct option his parents wanted. 

His mother made a face, not disappointed, or angry, just softly puzzled. "Your father and I definitely put great thought into this, we assumed you'd be more elated to find out you're going to public school again. We decided to send you to the same school Kankri went to. The principal and your father grew quite the relationship while Kankri was in school."

Karkat could feel his face burn and his fingers tingle as his mother spoke. He had been a perfect student after all, expecting whatever punishment to come was destiny at that point. But no.. it was really happening. Say something you idiot. She's waiting. "Oh.." he let out, his brows pushed together before getting a hold of himself. "That's fantastic. Thank you."

"Yes. We thought since you were doing so well. And there haven't been any incidents. We could take the change. Hopefully you won't disappoint Karkat. A name to uphold after all." She smiled. As if this was definitely the perfect learning opportunity, sending her teenage son out into the world, showing how outstanding he was. And maybe bringing in a few young children to the Sunday service.

Karkat could feel as he almost vibrated with excitement, until his fathers hand moved onto the table. "The consequences will be dire if you mess this up boy. I'm expecting a lot out of you. Trusting you more than I should."

That made Karkat falter, but he nodded nonetheless, nervous and excited, his stomach doing twists. Damn toddler.the feeling didn't subside even as he walked up the stairs to his new school. Schedule squeezed tightly in his hand, as he had waved off his parents with the other. Knowing very well they'd be picking him up in the same spot at the end of the day. Each and every day. 

Karkat took a deep breath, taking it all in, the school needed a paint job, the place looked run down and dirty compared to the boarding school he spent his life in not months ago.

Fuck this was perfect. 

Okay so It was perfect until he walked inside, children chattering amongst themselves as they reminisced with young and old highschool friends, God he hadn't seen so many people in.. a long ass time. It was the definition of culture shock, he stood in the entryway, his hand still firmly on the handle until someone pushed his shoulder, making him falter and walk completely inside. It felt louder by the second and his skull throbbed in response, his head felt like someone was running their fingers behind his eyeballs and his stomach was screaming to throw up the few bites of breakfast he had. 

Karkat found the wall and latched his back onto it. Unsure what to do or where to go. No one was controlling anyone, he couldn't see a teacher in the sea of unruly children and his nails dug into his palms. Deep. he could feel the tips of them moisten softly. Fuck. He hoped his mother packed him bandages in his backpack. It was hefty enough that there should be something to take care of his self inflicted injuries. 

Okay. Okay. All he had to do was calm down, karkat opened the paper, the edge turning a gentle red as he unfolded it. Locker number 609. Easy. He could do this. He stuffed the paper in his pocket and walked confidently in the most random direction possible. Hall six. Of course. That made sense. Karkat turned. Going for the hall labeled six while simultaneously dodging any physical contact with strangers. Good. He could focus on that for a few seconds while his breathing steadied.

Once to his locker. Which was surprisingly easy to find Karkat then had to figure out how to use a lock, he'd never used a lock before, and he slid his fingers over the metal to figure out what it felt like, bumpy. A bit inconsistent in texture but nothing too unimaginable. While simultaneously looking at the paper he rolled the little dial to the first number, then the next, and then the third. No. Wait. That didn't work. He frowned, biting his lip. He could always just bring all of his stuff with him. His back would probably kill him by the end of the day but at least he wouldn't have to run to his locker for anything. 

Since Karkat had a few minutes before he had to look for his class, Karkat decided to watch and wait, someone not too far away from him getting into their locker as well, turning the lock and then.. oh. Okay. He was in his locker in no time, shoving in the books he didn't need before lunch before shutting the door and tugging the door just to make sure it really was locked. Okay. Good. Now all he had to do was find his math class. He could do this. Taking it one step at a time.

Karkat mulled over his current situation as he flipped the paper back and forth to look at the map and then the numbers above each door. He was getting close to his first period. Piece of cake. He would get a hang of this stuff before working on gaining the true desire of public school.

Friendship. 

Karkats eyes darted over faces quietly, he was still early to find his new class that there weren't many people crowded around, he had at least a good arms length to himself and that relaxed him greatly. At least some of these people out of his area looked like potential friends, definitely wondering how easy it would be to convince them to come with him on sundays.

And that's when karkat looked down at his own attire, he still wore his black slacks from middle school, a bit baggy around the waist so he wore a nice belt with it, he touched the leather, smooth, he'd probably gotten it for his birthday it looked so brand new, latched as tight as it could go. Karkats shirt was a white button up, the buttons a soft brown, trying to imitate wood, it was the clothes left out for him this morning. Expecting dressing himself during this time would be taken from him too. 

Karkat played with the cuffs of his shirt, he looked like a square, like a nerd. Karkat untucked his shirt before tucking it back in instantaneously. The chance was slim but he was too scared to try anything too soon. Hopefully kids around here would still like him, he just had to have a good personality and great speaking skills. 

God he was fucked.

Karkat almost paced in front of his class, he didn't want to be too early, the nerd imagery was very impressionable on students after all, he untucked his shirt again before putting it back in. Fuck. This was going to be a disaster, he could taste the mockery now. Bullies and harsh words cutting his flesh. He'd be numb to it by the time they decided to out him as a target but it was the last desire he had... man karkat wanted the jacket in his hands, and he squeezed his fingers at the thought. Maybe he should go to the front office, call his parents. Tell them he's sick. 

"Mister Zahhak?" A voice said, it was a girls voice. Bubbly, like a warm bath. 

Karkat lifted his head without thinking of what he was going to say. "No. I'm Vantas."

She smiled at him and Karkat at least registered that, glad that she at least thought he was funny. She had.. large hair. It was poofy, and Karkat instinctively wanted to touch it. Wow. He was having a problem with sensation today wasn't he? Oh wait. Fuck. She's talking again. "Hah.. no dummy. I'm asking if you're in Mr. Zahhaks class? He teaches math and robotics? It's a new club but we're definitely hoping for more members if you're interested?" 

Karkat swallowed. "Yes. He's my first class." Wow. Conversing was hard but the girl didn't seem to mind, she grabbed Karkats arm gently and brought him into the classroom. 

"Good. I didn't want to sit alone." She said as she took her seat and Karkat felt the urge to panic swell. 

"Do we have assigned seating?" He asked, hand holding the chair. Not quite ready to sit down yet. 

She looked at him, pulling the chair out for him, her backpack was already on the ground. "Oh. You're so funny. Hurry and sit down. My name is Jade. Whats yours?"

Karkat slipped into the chair, his backpack still on his back, stuffed between him and the seat. "Karkat Vantas." He expected her to hold out a hand to shake, but since she didn't Karkat wouldn't as well. 

"Oh. Haha. Yeah. You told me that already. My last name is Harley then. Uhm." She paused, collecting herself, and as she thought she licked her lips, she had braces and Karkat stared at the individually colored bands. Wow.. she was.. Definitely pretty. "I'm sixteen. My favorite subjects are science and math, I have a dog at home. My parents work a lot. And.. uhm. Oh. Yeah. I'm in the robotics club." She rapid fired at Karkat, and he wondered if soon the rapid firing would start hurting his head like a real bullet wound. 

"Im.. Karkat. I.." he looked down at his fingers, scratching at his palms, old wounds splitting open. Fuck. Oh yeah. Bandaids. "I go to Bible study on Thursdays and church on Sunday." Random facts. Random facts. He could do this. He could socialize. 

He guessed he paused long enough because Jade continued to talk, expecting Karkat was done speaking. "Oh. Are you Kankris little brother? I met Kankri a while back. A friend of a friend kind of thing. You look a lot alike him. I wish I had a brother. Im so jealous." She continued to talk and Karkat was almost grateful he didn't have to pick up anywhere until the bell rang. She stopped then, hands moving onto the table. She Definitely looked a little excited, or maybe that was just part of her personality. 

Class was something he could focus on long enough his heart settled, hand on his chest he let out a slow breath. This was good. Better even. He's already making his first friend. He's ahead of schedule. He just couldn't fuck this up, or everything would be all over. 

The two walked together to their next classes, being in the same hall it only made sense. He was introduced to several people on their way that it was such a slow process they didn't make it to class before the second bell rang, Karkat instantly panicked, his heart shifting a few gears up and without much thought to Jade he started speed walking. "It's nice to meet you." He said politely, already several feet ahead of her. 

"Don't be a stranger!" She waved with a smile on her face before walking into her next class, her having art and Karkat having theater. 

At the end of the hall Karkat opened the large theater doors, it made more noise than he would have liked for someone sneaking in. "I.. got lost." He murmured once the teacher was close enough after walking down the seats, Mr. Amphora gave him a side eye then nodded, gesturing to the rows of seats

Karkat slipped into a seat, with a few empty chairs in all directions as he quietly listened, fingers playing with themselves, even as the teacher was talking, a boy around Karkats age turned around in his seat, a small smile on his face, big sunglasses on his eyes. "Howdy?" He shouted/whispered, outstretching his hand to close the distance between the two.

Karkat looked at his hand, then at the teacher; it looked like he was giving a speech that was taking up a lot of his thinking process so Karkat decided this was a good opportunity if any to make friends, his hand placed into the other boys. Rough and warm to the touch, something about them said working hands, a stark comparison to his own, his mother always said he was born with violin hands, smooth skin and long fingers. Oh no. He'd been touching this guy for too long. 

He slipped his hand away from the others and placed it back in his lap, he looked puzzled, the smile turning to a straight line and he too took his hand back, sitting forward again. 

Fuck. Karkat fucked up. He shouldn't have panicked. He shouldn't have been weird about it. He was fucking up again like he always did. This kid definitely had bullying material now, making fun of the weird kid who doesn't know how to give a hand shake, instead just places his into the guys hand before looking like he was going to overload and cry. 

Great. Fucking perfect. Karkats head slumped down far enough to touch the seat in front of him, looking at his hands in his lap, the one that touched the boy still felt warm, and he smoothed it over with the other. Trying to get it back to temperature. But no. It was like his whole body was warming up. He was getting nervous. Definitely. 

Why did the first guy who talked to Karkat have to be him? Did it have to be this all American full blown hick? Well. At least Karkat wasn't going to fall in love with him. 

He hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *SpongeBob square pants voice* Karkat you're going to finish your trama and you are going to like it!


	3. Meet and greet

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and you…

Wait. No. That's a stupid idea, and anyone who introduces a character like that is dumb. We're going to stay as Karkat. 

Karkats hands moved to his head, he had a throbbing headache when he turned to an NPC for that half second. His vision turning white and he couldn't do anything but suffer in silence, he wasn't even sure where he was until the pain subsided.

Karkat was still in the theater room, the ringing in his ears replaced with the talking of his teacher, why in the fuck was this old guy wearing a cape? What a weirdo. 

A hand touched Karkats back making him jolt, spine straightening, flat against the red padded seat, when turning he came face to face with the boy who not too long ago was sitting two rows in front of him, now he sat next to him. The boy who had the gall to touch him twice, and Karkats eyes darted over himself. No. This guy wasn't still touching him.. okay. At least it wasn't that bad.. 

Karkat tried to play off what was going on by smiling gently, a bit of a confused face. Like he wanted to know why this boy interrupted his melt down.

"You okay there my dude?" He said, Karkat could definitely hear that accent, it wasn't like this boy was trying to hide it. He was definitely born and raised here. This boy… actually. Karkat should ask him his name instead of referring to him as his pronounce, well hell Karkat guessed he could refer to him as a few slurs and break down this guy's character to its bare essence, Karkat could always refer to him as "sunglasses", but that wasn't a good way to make friends.

"Im fine, what's your name?" Karkat rubbed his forehead, an indent of the chair in front of him on the skin covering his skull. 

"Oh. That's good. I'm Strider. Dave Strider." Dave smiled when he said this, laughing gently, the reference totally going over Karkats head, his hands in his lap and just watching Dave find himself funny. 

Karkat was glad when the bell rang, his next period going by in a breeze. He had art, meeting a girl who the second they took out their art supplies she sniffed them. Part of him found that endearing while also being mildly disgusting. Either way he tried to start a conversation with her since she sat so close to him, And since he was on a roll with making friends today.

"Hey, I'm.." he was cut off by a crayon being shoved in his face. She seemed to have a distancing problem, but everyone around here seemed so. This girl wasn't facing towards him, still sitting forward, it didn't take long for Karkat to figure out. What with the walking stick and all.

"What color is this?" She said, a bit of a tilt of her head, her hair falling in her face gently. Wow. The bright red curls framed her face well. She looked like a Renaissance painting, a woman of note. 

She was definitely someone he could fabricate feelings for.

What? No. Those Conceptual feelings could be real. 

"Is it red?" She asked, shoving the crayon further. This time just outright touching Karkats face with hand and crayon, ungracefully poking him in the eye. 

"Ah." Karkat jolted back, cupping his face and blinking a few times. "No. It's orange. Geez." Karkat rubbed at his eye, at least with the crayon in his face he could smell it. It didn't smell like orange. It smelt like cheap wax and child labor, so he didnt understand what this girl was getting at. 

"Fuck." She murmured, sniffing it again, this time giving it a lick. Maybe she was onto something. Or maybe she was just crazy. Either way Karkat continued to help if the girl guessed the colors right. Or she was close enough on the color wheel. 

It made the class go by fast. And.. it was kinda fun. To just be a dumb child sniffing colors in the back of class every once and a while. 

"By the way. I'm Terezi." She said as they walked to lunch, arms linked and she held her cane out sometimes just blatantly smacking people with it. 

"Oh. Yeah. I forgot that's usually how you start formalities. I'm Karkat. I was going to tell you that. You know. Before you stabbed me." He couldn't help his smile, it was like finally having a true friend for the first time in what felt like lifetimes. 

"You're kind of a nerd dude. No one talks like that. God damn." Karkats smile faltered but she somehow seemed to notice, nudging against him softly. 

When they walked into the cafeteria he almost felt like an entirely new person from that morning, his chest still burning and the shouting of children was like a freight train to his ears but Terezi pulled him along trudging them to their destination "there's this girl. She's got blue hair. Sniff her out for me."

Karkat laughed gently, his hand touching terezis mindlessly "What does blue smell like again?"

Terezi swung the cane, getting the boy in the kneecap at his smart-ass remark. "You know I was only speaking metaphorically." 

"Ow. Geez. Seriously? Maybe I should just abandon you here." He wouldn't, but God did it feel wonderful to tease and taunt this way.

"Bullshit. And stop sounding like a loser. "Geez" it's like you don't know how to swear. What were you raised by? Animals?" 

"Cult leaders, actually." Said a girl behind the two. Blue hair almost down the middle of her back. She had her hands on her hips, books tucked between one. "He's Kankris little brother. Probably wearing the nerds hand-me-downs."

"...found her..that.. blue haired girl" Karkat said, but it was clear Terezi knew this girl by just her voice alone, letting go of Karkats arm in favor of going in for a fistbump with said blue girl.

"Oh. No kidding?" Terezi tilted her head gently again as she spoke. Karkat this time didn't note how pretty she was. Instead already expecting the worst. Harsh words cutting his insides, maybe he should run while he has the chance. If he says anything at all it'll completely fuck up everything he's done today. "Well Vriska, He seems cooler than that nerd. Come on dude. Prove it. Say fuck."

"Excuse me?" Karkat spoke as if he didn't hear her, he almost didn't want to hear her. his eyes darting, he was looking for something. He just didn't know what that thing was.

"You heard her. Say fuck." The one apparently Vriska said, taking a step closer. Even though her hands were preoccupied, he was still afraid of what she'd do. Maybe hit him with the algebra book she had. It was the biggest in the stack after all. 

"I don't think this situation inherits or justifies profanity.." wow now he really did sound like a nerd, Karkat swallowed, clenching his hands at his sides. 

"Oh fucking hell. Come on TZ this dude is a loser." Vriska grabbed Karkats new associate. Not hard. Just enough to make it clear who was on top in this situation. 

Come on Karkat you can do this, it's not like the narration in your head doesn't shout out profanities harder than a sailor or a teen trying to prove something. It's easy. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. See? 

" Jesus fucking Christ. Are you god damn happy now?" Karkat raised his hands in a dramatic display. Honestly it felt fantastic, like he should be floating on air, or maybe unlocking a new achievement, Like his character development grew with Every swear word. He felt justified. As well as a little bit more relaxed. Even though he couldn't help as his eyes darted, Watching for anyone who could cause him harm or trouble when those words slipped from his lips. 

Vriska didn't look impressed, though he did get a large grin from the other girl. "Are you going to sit with us for lunch?" Terezi said, bringing him along and sitting them both down. 

Which is how Karkat found himself surrounded by a sea of other children. The long lunch table filled with at headcount 11 other students, when introduced he noted which children were related to teachers he had. Clear to keep his mouth shut and make sure not to leave any type of bad impression. Which gave him the short end of the stick, finding out that miss blue was none other than the daughter of his P.E. teacher. Fan-fucking-tastic. He was never the best at physical activities, maybe because in middle school any physical exertion was deemed immoral and sinful. Wow. Hindsight 20/20 huh?

Either way, He was vibrating in his seat and to act as natural as he could, Karkat took out his lunch, he'd eat, Like them. Talk, Like them. And hopefully he'd be one of them in a short time. 

He was doing it. He was making friends. 

He was being normal. This might work out.


	4. Lies we tell ourselves will come true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we discuss Karkats eating habits i know he plays it off but please this is not healthy behavior. I've struggled with these issues as well and I am not trying to play anorexia lightly at all! These behaviors are very dangerous!

The fourth thing you need to..Oh shit. We skipped that intro last time didn't we? Well.. oops. 

Karkats next class after lunch was History, nothing really of note happened, no new friends introducing themselves and infecting themselves with Karkats life. Instead halfway through Karkats stomach twisted in knots, he wasn't feeling nervous, at least he didn't think he was feeling that way, but he still got excused to the restroom. It only became apparent why his stomach hurt so much when he was kneeling in front of the toilet in the bathroom stall. Throwing up what lunch he did have. Fuck if only he was normal and eating with his parents didn't give him excessive anxiety for the past 3 years fuelling the anorexia. He shouldn't have pushed it so hard just to look like he was a normal kid, able to eat their lunch casually. He needs to pace himself. Maybe a third wouldn't look suspicious next time.

Karkat wants to make it clear he doesn't have an eating disorder, he just isn't hungry most of the time and when he does eat it's like his stomach will reprimand him by placing him into situations like this. 

Tears watered in his eyes as his throat burned with stomach acid. Well. At least he was empty now and there wasn't anything left to vomit. Karkat flushed and went to clean his mouth out. His hands shook gently when he turned off the water, but instead of trying to steady himself he moved his hand through his hair, glad the day was halfway over. 

Walking back to class Karkats legs ached and his stomach turned, he'd be fine. He had just a few classes left. 

But did it have to be P.E. up next?

Well of course it did. 

"The best way to get to know your new mates." Yelled Ms. Serket, a red rubber ball tucked under an arm. A complete comparison to her daughter not a few hours ago. "Is the single greatest game.. Dodgeball!" She chucked the ball between the two teams and Karkat instantly went defensive. The loose gym shorts were baggy, definitely slowing his motion as he moved, grabbing a ball from the floor, clutching it tightly to his chest as he decided his next plan of action.

Taking position he stood next to a larger boy. The game had just started and this guy was already sweating, nothing about this display was any type of endearing, karkat was actually and positively revolted, but hell, if it got the game over. 

Karkat handed the ball over to him, the other boy smiled, it was twisted and obtuse. The smile of a boxer or someone who's gotten into a few gang fights in his life. 

"Thanks." He spoke, his voice husky and raw. grabbing the red ball with one hand, gripping it tightly enough karkat was sure the ball would pop. Well hell. Karkat was sure he was on the correct team at this point, there was some small assistance here and there but let's face it Karkat was using Equius as a human meat shield, only running out to pick up a ball from time to time. He had to keep it slow after all, he was still light headed and clammy, the running around was making him feel sick again. Karkat almost wanted to get hit to make this game fucking stop. 

He was assisting again, grabbing a ball which not two seconds ago hit one of his team mates in the gut, down by four mates their numbers weren't looking so good, scurrying back to "the safe zone" behind the handsome man he was using..

Wait? Handsome? Seriously? This guy? What are you on about narrator?

Yes. Shoosh. Equius is the best. 

GROSS but whatever.

There was a glint, the thing that grounded Karkat back to reality. He was still in the game, and nothing tingled with the hot furry of a rubber ball. He was still in this! Good job! Karkats eyes found what shined to him, bringing him back from his internal daydreaming. It was none other than Sunglasses, framed on a boy who was smiling like he had the world in his hands. 

It was slow, the motion of Daves arm, throwing a ball with an imprint of a smiley face, and the words "exercising is fun!" Printed around it. Maybe Karkat could have moved out of the way, if he wasn't memerizing ever detail. The way Daves eyebrows moved up higher in shock, and how his hair bounced as he took the weight from one foot to the other, he was graceful, like a dancer, or a bird in flight. Except the dancer has a fully automatic rifle and said bird, knew the secrets to the known universe. 

All of this was lost to Karkat, because the next second Karkats head was on the floor and he was out cold.. colder than. Fuck. We can't make metaphors while he's unconscious. 

\---

The fingers were back behind his eyeball, giving him the worst migraine he's had in months. "Father Abraham, imm...sorry I slept in. Ill read my passages. Promise." Karkat murmured once he came to, covering his eyes with his arm hiding from the light making no move to get up. 

"Man, are you into some kinky shit?" That definitely didn't sound like one of Karkats teachers, he raised his arm from his eyes and squinted against the light. 

It was him again, the boy from theater class. His hands behind his back, and he was standing even though there were chairs lining the wall around the couch Karkat was laying on. "No.." was all Karkat murmured before taking in the full surroundings, he was in an office. And what with those tongue depressors and gause in the glass containers the only logical option was the nurses office. 

Dave walked closer, taking a cup of water off the table and handing it to Karkat. "Sorry.. I hit you." Was the first thing that came out of his mouth, and Karkat rubbed his cheek bone under his eye, it was sore and probably a little bruised. "But I didn't mean to.. you know. Hurt yo.."

"Don't worry about it." Karkat cut him off. "How did I get here?"

Dave accepted the cold attitude and backed off again. Standing back where he was before. "I carried you. Serkets rule. Whoever fucks someone up has to deal with it." 

Karkat moved into a sitting position lifting his knees up "Where's the nurse?" He asked, he didn't want to think about the fact of being carried unconscious by someone. Let alone someone who he hasn't considered a would be friend. 

"He went to call your parents. See if you needed medical attention." Dave kept his hands behind his back again, he was nervous, even with the clear face Karkat could tell that. 

Or maybe he was just projecting, because the idea of his parents coming to school was making him nervous. Fuck. He did it again. Made his parents worry and stress over him. Karkat squeezed shin with his free hand, he was still in his p.e. clothes and he probably smells like sweat. 

"Hey. It's okay." Dave started, he looked like he was going to start moving but decided against himself, hand moving behind his back again. 

"It is okay." Karkat murmured, taking a sip of the water, that would probably sooth his headache. He just needed to get a grip on his emotions. 

"You look like you're going to cry.." Dave finally did it, he moved closer, sitting on the edge of the couch even though there were all these damn chairs sprawled around the room "You've been looking like you're going to cry all day. At least that I've seen you.. are you okay?" Dave went to do the polite thing and move Karkats hair away from his face.

Karkat backed up instantly, back pressed against the armrest of the couch, he moved his own hair out of his face, yep. He was definitely still sweaty. "I've never gone to public school." That was a lie, but it's been so long it was basically the truth anyways. 

"You weight nothing dude.." Dave continued, completely ignoring Karkats excuse. "Are you.." his voice turned to a whisper which instantly made Karkat tense, Daves voice was already hard to manage. Deep and low. When he whispers.. no. Fuck. Wait. Stop that train of thought right now. "Are you okay at home?" 

That made Karkats train back up instantly. He didn't care about the low rumble that was this kids whisper. Instead he laughed, exactly three times. Unsure what type of implications Dave was getting at here. "My family is perfectly well off. David."

At least that did something to Dave, his eyebrows being pushed together as he was given a more formal name. "..I.. you're defecting.. nothing's going to happen if you talk to me. I'm just a kid like you. Im not a fucking teacher, or a therapist. Fucking hell dude. I'm just trying to make sure you're okay." 

"I am." He started harshly, hands clenching hard enough he crumpled the water cup, he didn't care that he was now wet from his midriff down. "Perfectly. Fucking. Fine. At home, and at school." He said so matter-of-factly and pushing off the couch he didn't want to be around this boy any more, he'd go find the nurse himself.

That was a bad idea, he instantly saw stars and the next second he was caught by none other than the boy who put him in this mess. Dave was holding him, one hand supporting his head, the other gripping the bottom of Karkats shirt, Karkat hadn't hit the ground, but since his legs gave out he had been about half way there before he was caught, Dave didn't say anything, just helped Karkat back onto the couch quietly. Moving back to his own spot. Like nothing happened.

Karkat would have been fueled by his anger, he would have kept going, yelling about how perfect everything was at home. How he was perfect. How his parents loved him so unbelievably much, instead his rant was completely cut off by a torn out piece of notebook paper, Dave handing it over without saying anything. He was looking somewhere that wasn't Karkat but it was so hard to tell with Daves glasses on what that thing was. 

"What is this?" Was what Karkat decided on saying. He hadn't reached out to grab it. 

"My phone number."

"I don't have a home phone." That was a lie. It was just something completely out of use for Karkat unless he was given the phone if family members were on the line. Which was few and far between. He hadn't been allowed to talk to his cousins in years now and none of his aunts or uncles kept contact with just a child anyways.

It was almost like Dave expected that answer, digging in his pocket for half a second, now he had two hands out, the paper, and a few quarters. "Use the payphone then." 

Karkat wanted to continue to argue with Dave, but seeing the quarters reminded him of something. A happier time, when he was a small boy and he'd been given a quarter or two to pick out a few pieces of candy for a long car drive or just as a small snack. 

Things like this really put Karkat into perspective from time to time, he wasn't allowed money was he? Would he be caught and punished? Or were the small treats no longer a thing because of his misdeeds? Hell. When was the last time Karkat had candy? Or held a coin?

"My arms are starting to hurt. Please take them. Throw the shit out if you want, i won't care at that point. Or keep it with you and call me if you ever want to talk.. i.. got a car. Well. It's a truck my brother lets me borrow to drive to and from work. But.. I think it'd be okay if you ever need me to pick you up.. dude."

Karkat still didn't take the change, even with his hand out, almost grabbing the items, he backed up again once the office door opened, a man he'd never seen before stood in the way, but he noted his parents were not behind him, Karkats shoulders relaxed gently, but he corrected himself. He didn't want Dave to think his parents being here was any type of issue.. wow okay. He clearly did, Daves eyebrows pushed together again, his lips moving to a straight line as he watched Karkats shoulders move. Everything Karkat was trying to convince Dave of was starting to sound more and more like bullshit.

"Get your stuff little dude." Said the man, "your parents are on the way to take you home." The nurse walked in further, and slid a chair close to Karkat, placing a hand on his forehead and a flashlight in the boys eye. "Can you walk? Don't wanna get sued for a concussion." The nurse laughed and once the flashlight was off Karkat could finally read the name tag. Nitram. Huh. Another parent to a student he'd met casually. 

"I'll help him." Dave interjected quicker than Karkat could respond. 

"Well sorry. But you're already late for your class. And the teachers are already on my ass for keeping students. So.. i'll be able to take him if needed." 

Dave didn't seem to like that answer. He stood up, hands in his pocket. The paper stuffed inside. "I'll go get his backpack then." Dave didn't wait for a response. Just leaving. Karkat didn't like the way Dave said that, he was cold and distant. As if he was upset with Karkats rejection of the phone number. 

It would be bad for all parties involved if Karkat got Daves number anyways, plus, it wasn't like he had the option to go to a pay phone at any time during the day. Even having the phone number on him was a bad idea. There wouldn't be a good explanation that wasn't a blatant lie. This was best. Distancing himself from anyone who could give him any sign of trouble. 

Karkat definitely made the right choice, or so HE thought.


	5. Panic attacks for plot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The author hurt themselves in their own trama, taking shit right out of childhood.

If Karkat had to pick one and only one adjective to describe himself, he would have to pick; swirling. Because that's currently what his head was doing, his stomach, and his thoughts, as he sat in the back of his family's car. The seatbelt hugged him tightly, so tightly he was trying to resist it by placing his fingers between the belt and his chest. 

"I'm taking you in for a checkup. That nurse didn't even know if you had a concussion." Said his mother, she was the only one in the car besides Karkat. His father still probably working, leaving just the two of them. 

"I feel fine." The boy said, "fine" being a relative term in the statement. 

"Oh." She was doing that thing with her fingers where she stretched them out before holding the steering wheel with a tight grip. "Are you a doctor? Do you plan on being a doctor?" She emphasized every syllable in the word "plan". 

She was angry, Karkat would have to be stupid not to see that. So instead of replying his fingers continued to play with the seatbelt along his chest. He made eye contact for about a half second as she looked in the back seat through the rear view mirror before his eyes went to watch out the window. 

"Look…" his mother started. "..we.. won't tell your father about this.. im just. Upset. It's your first day back to public school and I'm having to pick you up? Have you ever thought about how this makes me feel? How I worry about you?" 

Of course Karkat thought about it, he thought about it constantly, how everything he did affected his family in one way or the other. But of course he couldn't be the one to unpack this, he only accepted what she said with a slow blink as he kept his eyes out the window. 

"Do you even care how I worry about you?" Oh. She actually expected an answer. Or was this just some type of set up, a justification for her actions.   
"Are you even listening to me?" 

Another slow blink, his fingers holding the seat belt tightly, the imprint on his palm was starting to burn. He could feel it.

"Sometimes I wish you were like your brother." That had done it. She'd won the silent battle with a low blow that hit Karkat right in the gut, or at least that was definitely why he was feeling the sinking feeling in his stomach.

"I wish I was too." He murmured back, quiet. Barely about a whisper, if she'd heard him he couldn't tell. But it didn't matter, because that was how conversations always went with her. Petty. And undermining. Such is life.

~~~

His check up meant nothing, his pediatrician dismissing Karkat almost instantaneously. At least that was good, proof he didn't have a concussion since his mother was very adamant he did, prescribing the boy over the counter aspirin.

Home was quiet as well, Karkat sent himself to his room for another night, only this time being accompanied by his backpack, it was at least a relief to know he'd be going back tomorrow.

Sliding onto his bed Karkat pulled out papers from his bag, it was the first day of classes and none of his teachers demanded homework so he was unable to keep himself busy with that. Instead planning on occupying himself with other projects, maybe getting a head start in math, or writing more personal matters in his book.

Another long and quiet night alone. Reflecting on his own mortality. Sounded like a perfect night. 

Karkat moved his bag over to give himself some space, math won, since he had the book with him, grabbing a pen out of the front pocket of his school bag. 

Something accompanied the pen. A torn out piece of notebook paper, numbers written in red pen, quarters thrown into the bottom of the front pocket, as if the person doing so was in a complete rush. 

Karkat couldn't help his smile, even though he tried to force himself not to, a huff of air coming with the smile. God damn this kid. 

He should have expected it, Dave adamant on grabbing his bag for him, probably planned out the second Karkat refused. It was like a bandaid, and now that Karkat had the phone number a feeling of relief washed over him after the sting.

When would he even have the chance to get to a pay phone? How in the fuck do they even work?

The train in his head completely derailed from the tracks once he saw another paper, folded and written on the front was one word which had used the same ink as the phone number 

"Hey."

Karkat slipped it out of his bag and moved his knees up higher, as if he was protecting himself or maybe the note. It was a silly notion. Specifically with him being alone in his room.

He read the front again. It was almost like he could hear the accent through the paper, "h-Ay" Karkat unfolded the paper without thinking of repercussions, hell. Without thinking at all. 

"Hey man, sorry my handwriting is the embodiment of shit. I'm writing this pretty fast, letting the soul of gay Sappho take control. 

Wait is gay Sappho a thing? Or would it just be her? 

Whatever, all I'm saying is I'm writing some straight up poetry right now. 

I want to be friends dude, I'm getting that out of the way right here and now. That we definitely need to chill together. I don't really care what everyone says about your brother, because I think you're cool.

Plus I kinda want to get to know Karkat, like the actual Karkat. Not this one that looks like a wet stray dog.. no offense.. but I want to know that Karkat that yelled at me. You know, the one with fire in his eyes. 

He seems like a pretty cool dude, who's probably got a lot of hobbies and dreams, who probably wants to take down some oppressive walls. 

I know we live in a time where that's kind of a moot point, maybe we can start with robbing ice cream shops or vandalizing mailboxes… if that's what you'd want to do that is. Hell I can settle for sneaking into movie theaters. 

Just think about it, okay? Because I think you'd be a friend who understands me. Anyways, see you at school tomorrow."

So this is what validation feels like? It feels sweet. Like being dumped in honey, and maybe the honey was a bit too hot compared to his cold skin, shocking him at the initial plunge into the sugary substance. 

Hell, he even took a staggering breath as he tried not to break down. Suddenly acutely aware of the paper thin walls around him, he wanted to cry, as if everything inside of him was trying to leave all at once, but the fear kept him at bay, at this edge of panic attack and reality. The reality that his parents could open the door at any moment, and Karkat being as vulnerable as the day he was born. 

Rubbing his face and ungracefully smearing the tears on his cheeks before hugging his knees and just accepting his demise at this point. 

Seriously Karkat? You're going to act like this? It's not like this guy spewed his undying love for you after a five minutes conversation. What do you think this is? A fanfiction?

Karkat stuffed the paper back in his bag, hoping that was a good hiding spot, concealing the paper and hopefully his frustrations along with it. Zipping up the front pocket as well. See. All better? He turned off all his feelings. Just like a light switch. Nothing wrong with that.. All better, now? 

Karkat focused on math after that, periodically rubbing tears from his eyes until dinner time. After he came back to his room Karkat worked on the next question in the math book. 

Nope he wasn't going to do anything else. He needed to focus on his classes and grades. He needed to get out of here as soon as possible anyways. Becoming friends with that boy wasn't important. 

Karkat tapped his pen on his notebook. He couldn't write a letter back, that would just justify bad actions. 

He should become friends with Terezi, he liked Terezi. It was so unbelievably easy to like Terezi, or maybe Jade? She was sweet, and he liked her smile. Hell he'd take Equius as a best friend, and if he was desperate maybe Vriska.

Okay. Vriska was only a last ditch effort, but any of them would be a better option than no friends at all.


	6. The time travelers dumbass

"Dave." Karkat wrote on his notebook, smugging the name with his hand, the ink not dry enough as he wrote with his pen. Making him instantly want to start over, regretting all actions in the last three minutes. 

There was no way he'd be able to focus until this was done, opting to a pencil he began to write, and he didn't stop until he was satisfied. Crumbling a paper and throwing it away, starting all over until he was completely gratified in his work.

Here we go.

"Dave.

It's come to my attention that you've got the wrong image of me, I've never once thought of vandalizing a single thing in my life, sure, breaking some walls and shattering the glass ceiling. Well of course, but what adolescent doesn't want to do that?

That is a definite metaphor, I do not expect our next encounter to involve hammers or rocks. Please don't expect me to destroy anything or god forbid rob a bank. 

Damn, if this is something you try to do with almost everyone you consider a would be friend, I'm shocked you haven't been thrown into jail yet. I'll have to address this letter to the prison instead of hand delivering this note to you, which dare I say would feel a little shameful, passing along messages to a felon. 

I'm sorry. But I am unable to keep company with the likes of someone who.."

Karkat trailed off in his note. Why was this so fucking hard, he just wanted to seem casual, maybe a little boring so Dave would lose interest, hell. It's taken The Author a few weeks to even want to start writing this. He should just rip the bandage off, get it over with, spill his heart out. 

No wait, reel it in. He definitely didn't need to spill his heart out, he didn't need to tell Dave how much he wanted the taste of freedom to do whatever the fuck he wanted. Wherever he wanted, if they did that Karkat would never want to stop, chasing a high that would stray him further and further away from his goals. 

Adulthood, college, big house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children and maybe a dog.

Karkat sighed. Erasing the last sentence of gray from the graphite he wrote down, he began the sentence again. 

"I don't believe you'd be a felon, you have a good heart, and I think you'd probably be able to talk yourself out of prison, what with that smile of yours.

Plus you're smart. Almost too smart... Which brings me to what I actually need to say to you.

Leave me alone. 

We can't be friends. 

You probably have a plethora of friends anyways. You don't need me in your life, I'm just the new kid and honestly I would like to blend in to the croud as much as physically fucking possible, I've already made a hand full of friends In the first half of my day, and I felt like that's a good enough amount. I don't need any more friends either. 

So just.. stay away. Okay? Pretend that the first day of school was some type of fever dream and forget about everything."

There, it was done, Karkat felt bitter, but that quickly was washed away with knowing he had the gratification of doing the right thing. 

He went to bed that night with a sick feeling in his stomach, holding that old purple jacket.

~~~

The beginning of the next day ment Jade, he smiled at her as he took his seat next to the fluffy girl, something about her screamed dog and he couldn't help the desire to pet her hair.

"Good morning. You look terrible." She said with a smile and a tilt of her head, her large framed glasses slipping down a bit with the action. 

"Thank you. You look like a bird nest" He said, pretending she gave a compliment and giving one back as well, which made her smile even more. The taunting and teasing between the two akin to a siblinghood. 

Class was fun, and honestly he started to find the chatter soothing, vibrating inside his chest and almost lulling him into a calm, until Jade spoke again. Peaking his interest and giving him something to really focus on.

"You should sign up." She spoke, a tug of his arm really bringing him back to reality. 

Fuck, he hadn't even been paying attention, not like he wanted to, math was always such a boring subject. "Sign up for.. what exactly."

Jade knew indefinitely that Karkats brain had completely fucked off at some point, but instead Of being chastised for it she smiled, "ugh dummy, You should sign up for the robotics club, I tried to ask you about it yesterday, But you seem to turn off sometimes."

"That's definitely something I do.." he murmured, his hand gently placing on top of Jades, she had soft and smooth hands, something about it made him remember the stark difference to daves, harsh and worked with.

"So will you go? The club usually lasts about an hour on Fridays. Mister Zahhak would really appreciate more people signing up, currently it's just his son, Dirk, and I." 

He mulled the idea over, his tongue running over his front teeth as he thought. "If I get my parents to agree can I ask a favor of you?" 

"Yes of course. What is it?" She smiled, hook, lined, and she was currently reeling in the next member. 

"Can you come to church with my family?" 

The smile faltered, the implications making her weigh her options now. 

"Most people only stay an hour or so. It sounds fair."

"I'm not…"

"Think about it as being for me and not the redemption of your soul, and other lines you'll be fed." Karkat couldn't help his smile, followed by a soft breathy laugh. 

"...I'll think about it too then." 

"Thanks Jade. At least we'd have a little fun together."

~~~

Theater, the class he thought he would find the most fun in seemed to cause a sinking feeling in his stomach. A breath of air as he pushed the doors open, at least there wasn't an entire flock of eyes on him this time, only the teacher on the stage, standing before everyone in what Karkat could only describe as a power play. 

He sat in the chair he occupied the day before, his fingers gripping the straps of his bag so hard he refused to let it go, placing his bag in his lap. Nervousness swelled inside of him as sunglasses turned to him, at least Dave wasn't trying to sit next to him, there was still an intact of boundaries. 

"Hey dude. You feeling better?"

"I'm fine." Karkat said quickly, almost afraid of what would happen if he let Dave talk and fill the silence between the two. No. That couldn't happen, he couldn't let the regret seep in. 

Instead of letting Dave talk, he unzipped the pocket holding the note and leaned over the chair between the two of them, handing it over.

Dave took the note with an unbeknownst glee, Karkat unable to read Daves face before he turned in his seat. Class started and Mr. Ampora started his speech with much conviction. Something about real "theater."

Class went by with Karkat's eyes flickering to Dave's back every so often, his shoulders slumping within a few minutes but other than that Dave made no move, not to talk in class, or to turn and confront Karkat. 

Holy shit it was working. 

Why did the pit in Karkats stomach hurt so bad?

He ignored it, and he ignored Dave too while he was at it. That was until the bell rang and Dave stood up, moving up the rows of seats, to stand next to Karkat in the theater. "We gotta talk.. do you want to do it over lunch?"

There was now a weightlessness in his stomach, and Karkat couldn't tell if this feeling was worse or better than the feeling he had a few minutes ago. He obviously didn't answer fast enough, because Dave's fingers moved through his hair. 

"We could do after school.. if you need more time than that."

"Lunch is fine." Karkat spoke up then, he hadn't remembered his backpack was still in his lap until he used it to squeeze his hands, stopping his nails from digging into his palms. 

"Great. I'll see you in an hour then." With that he was off, following the other children filing out to their next period. 

~~~

Nausea, that was the only feeling he could certainly pinpoint, he tried to swallow that down as best he could as he sat in his seat. He had art, he could hang out with Terezi, everything was fan-fucking-tastic.

Terezi smiled gently as she sat down, purposefully putting a hand on the seat before pulling it out. "Good. You're alone."

It took a few seconds for Karkat to realize, his eyebrows pushing together slowly. "You're making fun of me."

"I'm glad you're catching on. So. What's up? You smell like you're going to cry." She leaned in closer to demonstrate. "Or maybe you're sick."

"I'm not going to cry." He leaned back in reaction. 

"Then you're gunna puke?" There was a little movement of her head, she was close enough to Karkat her hair brushed against his cheek. Wow. That definitely did something, He almost forgot how pretty she was while he was worrying about his entire world crashing around him. 

"If I do. I'll make sure to aim towards you." He was leaning far back enough now he used the back of his chair to keep him steady.

She chuckled, laughing loud enough a few heads turned towards them, she grabbed Karkats arm and hoisted him back up in his seat as she corrected her own position. 

This was good.

This was right.

This was normal.

~~~

The bell rang, Karkat again leading Terezi to the cafeteria by linking arms together, figuring that would become the normal for the two of them, already scouting out blue hair. 

"I can't stay today. I kinda already made arrangements." Karkat said after a few minutes of looking for Vriska.

"What did I say about talking like a nerd dude." Terezi teased, turning her head, as if she was looking at Karkat, but instead trying to hear a familiar voice. 

He clicked his tongue, not responding to the point where she pushed him softly, not enough to push over the one she used for her eyes.

"I'm fucking with you." 

"I know. But what am I supposed to do? Placate you by saying "yo" on a constant basis?" He noticed the hair, it was almost impossible to spot out of the corner of his eye, jogging in their direction. 

Karkat turned his feet to Terezi, as if his brain didn't want to process what he saw. He just wanted to live here at this moment. 

"That's a good start. But don't say placate. Nerd." She stuck her tongue out, smiling. The action resembled some type of lizard. 

"Terezi." There we go. The moment was over, Karkat expecting a goodbye would be happening shortly now that Vriska was taking the spot, his body acked, aware he shouldn't like the taller girl. "I told you if you just stay in class I'll come pick you up." 

Terezis tongue moved farther out slowly before she talked. "You're too slow. Plus. I've got Mr. Nerd over here."

"Hey." Karkat waved, his arm unoccupied now, Terezi holding her friend in favor. 

"Sup. Nerd." 

The teasing didn't resemble siblinghood in any form of matter, and the only one who could see his scowl was the one that mattered, but she was already walking Terezi to lunch. Vriska moved her hair from her shoulder with her free hand, turning their backs on him, making him frown harder as he watched the two walk away. 

Fucking bitch.

"Sup nerd." A male spoke this time, Karkats eye darting to the noise, face to face with his own reflection. 

Fucking. Hell.


	7. Awkward children are awkward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhhhh thanks everyone who is leaving comments and kudos. Its really helping me wanting to keep going because people seem interested in this dumb idea I have..

The car ride was silent, well, everything but the truck itself was silent, making every noise under the book that screamed "hey, I need to be fixed" but Dave didn't seem to mind so Karkat only quietly panicked about it. 

"I still don't understand why we couldn't eat at school. Where the hell are we going anyways?" Karkat revisited the conversation they had before Dave all but dragged Karkat off campus. 

"Because school lunch is trash and so is your moms cooking." Dave stopped at a light, the truck creaking as it stayed still on the street, he turned to Karkat, his hand resting on the steering wheel, his other one holding the gear shift. "I'm not wrong dude, you showed me. That shit probably makes you live like ten years more than necessary. We're getting burgers and fries."

Karkats own eyes darted out his window and didn't turn back until the truck sputtered, signaling it was moving again. 

They didn't drive for long, Dave stopping after the short ride and Karkat followed suit. "Dude. Leave your bag. You don't need it." 

He felt called out, but shimmered his bag off his shoulder after just putting it on. Placing it in the truck and shutting the door. 

"You're not very… talkative right now." Dave said, opening the door to the restaurant, okay, restaurant was a strong word. It was a sleazy one dollar burger joint, the employee at the register didn't look much older than the two. An assumed highschool dropout who hasn't had the chance to revalue their life choices yet. "Do you know what you want?" 

Karkat looked at the bright and simplistic menu plastered on the wall behind the employee, he skimmed, but it was like he couldn't read any words on the board. Like it took too much power to read and the rest of his brain was focusing on acting as normal as possible. He gave a small shrug and shook his head, expecting that was a good enough answer. 

Dave ordered then, and handed Karkat a cup, leading the shorter boy to have him come sit in a cushioned booth. "You seemed very opinionated when we were leaving.. Do you really hate being around me so much that you decided not to talk?"

Yes. Well. No. Maybe? Wait. Indefinitely. 

Karkat took a sip of his drink to prolongate his answer, which would have worked if the drink didn't slice into his taste buds and give him shock. "What in the ever loving fuck is this?"

Dave smiled softly, and there was a possibility of concern and confusion on his face as well. "Its coke.. like.. soda. I didn't know what you like to drink."

"..I don't know if I like it." He looked through the straw, as if that would give him his answer. 

"The first time I had Coke, I drank the entire bottle and passed out. If you do that. I won't judge." Dave covered his mouth, he was watching karkat, while trying not to laugh. "But I'm not sure your parents would be cool with you skipping p.e."

"Yeah." Karkat said in Ernest, unaware that Dave was only fucking around, concerning himself with the sugary beverage in his hands, taking another sip, letting it burn the back of his throat. "Do you like this?"

"Yeah. It's okay. I mean. I haven't put myself into a cocacoma in a while." Dave drank a bit of his own as well, the smile he had fading as he spoke again. "Have i done something wrong to you?"

Here we go again, Karkat having to face his own consequences, it made him want to shut down again. Close his eyes and pretend he wasn't here anymore. 

"Is it because I hit you with the ball? I'm sorry. It was an accident." 

"No. It's not that."

"Then it is something at least." Dave twirled the straw with his finger, making a squeaking noise as he did so. "Will I have to keep guessing until I hit the nail?"

Karkat squeezed his lips together so he didn't squeeze the cup and make the drink spill. 

"I'm taking that as a yes." Dave let out a long breath of air before continuing. "Do I creep you out because I'm over enthusiastic about our kindling friendship?" 

Karkat thought that over, letting his tongue touch his teeth as he processed. Long enough time that Dave got up and came back with food, shoving some paper wrapped food to Karkat who was still lost in thought. 

"Should I take the silence as a yes as well?" 

"No.. It makes me hesitant. But I don't have much reference to know what's creepy or not." 

"..That's a helpful answer." Dave said, already taking a bite of one of his fries, swallowing and then speaking again. "Eat before we keep playing twenty questions." 

Karkat finally looked at what was in front of him, something about the burger looked nauseating, and his stomach protested in return. 

Wait. No. That was the pain of hunger. When was the last time he ate? Dinner last night didn't sit on him right either. It had to be at least a 24 hour period. 

He unwrapped the food, pushing past the feeling in his stomach just to take a bite, it wasn't bad, but the texture and smell were too oily and inconsistent to be desirable. He set the sandwich down and waited for the next question so he could pace himself. 

"Are you afraid of my influence?" Dave took the que easily, about one forth of his fries down before talking. 

Hammer. Meet nail. "Not exactly." 

"You're afraid of the interpretation your parents will see of my influence." Another fry, and Karkat couldn't tell but there was a definite sad look in his eyes. 

Karkat didn't say anything, instead eating for himself, he was almost too scared, afraid of coming face to face with his own truth. 

"You care about them alot. That's.. really nice actually." Dave decided to be the one who does the talking for a minute since Karkat was preoccupied. "How about we lay down some ground rules for our friendship? Would that make you a little bit more comfortable?"

Karkat gagged a bit, midbite, his shoulders scrunching as he choked down his food, the texture like a slip n' slide, going down easy. "Rules?" 

"Yeah..rules. like. Okay dude, you know what rules are. Don't make me go get a dictionary." Dave rubbed under his shades a little bit as if he was tired. 

Karkat didn't know how to respond, taking another sip of the soda, the drink was starting to grow on him. 

"If you need time just write another note tonight, and I'd like it if you didn't talk about my smile saving me from the big house." Dave smiled again, soft, like a pillow shoving itself into Karkats eyeballs.

"Oh. Sorry."

"No. Don't be sorry. I thought it was pretty cute." Dave shoved his trash into a pile. "Are you done? Cuz we gotta get going to class right about now."

Karkat was Definitely not finished, but he stood, placing everything on the tray for Dave to throw away. Getting back into the car, going back to school. 

Wait. Holy shit. Did Karkat just get convinced to do the exact fucking opposite of what he was going to do in the first place? AND it was incredibly fucking easy??? You fucking push over. 

~~~

Karkat came to the realization that night, his pen in-between his lips as he thought the rules over. What in the hell does he want in a friend? Someone who listens? Should he write that down? No wait. That would be dumb to write down. 

Karkat broke the bottom of the pen between his teeth, damn it. Another one. Either way, he could still write, the pen was still going to do it's job as he wrote rule number one. 

"1. Don't tell other people my baggage."

Thats a good one, implies Karkat expects Dave to listen, while making Dave keep his mouth fucking shut. Good one. And not toxic at all. 

"2. .."

Fuck why was this so hard, he was given free rain to demand what he needed from a friendship. And yet his brain was blanking, unsure what he could or should ask for..Unless Dave was lying, probably going to make fun of him the second he handed the letter over, the idea made his throat burn. 

"2. No lying. 

3.No hurting my feelings."

There. He was on a roll now. And that covered his current fears

"4. Minimal physical contact. 

5\. Don't call me cute, endearing, adorable. Ect."

There, that would cover the nervousness surrounding Dave, and no. There was no way he was going to unpack that feeling any time soon. 

"6. Don't ask to hang out on weekends or after school. 

7\. Don't ever talk to my parents. Try to look as normal as possible. Maybe take off your shades. 

8\. Actually. Take them off. You look weird as shit with them."

Okay what wasn't a rule, but the fact that every time he looked at dave he was face to face with his own reflection always made him feel uneasy. He wasn't sure what it would feel like to be around Dave on a constant basis having to look at himself. 

So it would definitely feel better to look Dave straight in the eyes.

And he definitely did not think about daves eyes while falling asleep..

Wondering what color they could be, picturing them a deep stormy shade to the point Karkat didn't realize he was dreaming already.


	8. Pain. But nothing new there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhhh.. more school stuff.

This is a mistake. 

A mistake. 

A..

"Wow there's a lot to unpack here." Says the boy sitting next to Karkat quietly, he lifted up the corner of the paper, emphasizing all of the rules Karkat wrote down. 

"What do you mean?" Karkat held his bag tightly against him as he sat in his theater seat, understanding this was a comfort for himself. 

"Well.. kay. First off. The shades stay on. I know that was your last thing but like there's no fucking way I'm taking them off. And don't make me get a doctors note to tell you my eyes are fucked up." 

Karkat thought for a second, he looked at Dave, inevitably seeing the reflection of himself. Something twisted inside and he held tighter to his bag. "Fine cross it off."

Dave does just that, the sound of his pen gliding against paper interrupted the noise of the theater class, the teacher had fucked off at one point. Leaving the kids to chatter amongst themselves. 

"Also. Did I say you could sit next to me?" 

"If you wanted to make that a rule you should have written it in." Daves pen was still on the paper and so were his eyes. "...would you like me to write it in?" 

Karkat pressed his lips together, before letting out a gentle and low sigh. "No. It's fine." 

Dave smiled, before nodding. "Alright, great, this brings me to my next point. Where, when, and how am I allowed to touch you?" 

"That sounds weird as fuck Dave." 

"I'll be honest I just couldn't figure out how to say it. And saying 'when am I able to put my hands on you' just sounded worse. So. Pick your fucking poison dude. I'm just saying. But I think you need a good fucking cuddle."

He scoffed as Dave said that, and shook his head before speaking. "I don't need to be touched."

"Well when was the last time you had a hug?" 

It only took a few seconds to think, and Karkat spoke before letting himself feel. "Gamzee."

"Uh..who?"

"An o-old friend." His voice cracked, and Karkat pushed his lips together again. He didn't like the way this conversation was going, the emotions flooding into him, making him feel vulnerable, scared, alone.. 

He'd never have Gamzee again. 

It wasn't a thought he'd allowed himself to think in the last years of middle school, but he had to face facts, Gamzee was gone. He could be dead and nothing would change. 

Karkat was the worst friend ever. He hadn't allowed himself to care about the one person who meant something to him.

There was no point, no point to any of this, he was going to fuck this all up, just like he had before, just like he always will. Dave didn't know it yet, but he was making the biggest mistake of his life. Why was Dave even sitting here with him, Karkat does nothing but breed toxicity into everything and everyone he touches.

"Hey.. Hey. Dude. Karkat."

He could ruin everything, right here and right now. Scream, beg, and plead with Dave that becoming friends with him was the worst idea in the history of mankind, he needed to save Dave. 

"Karkat." 

A warm hand touched his cheek, and Karkat sucked in air, he hadn't even realized he was holding his breath, he came back, back from a place he didn't understand, where everything was so cold and so dark. 

"You're crying." 

So he was, Daves fingers stopping the icey hot water in its tracks. Smearing them over the other boys cheeks before having his hand retreat back into its designated area unsure if rule number 4. Should be implemented right now, but he was playing the safe route, treating Karkat like a wounded animal. 

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Dave spoke gently, knowing this was a particular moment shared just between the two of them. 

Karkat rubbed his face, everything felt numb now, except his legs which ached lightly. He could also feel something in his gut screaming that he should keep crying. Let it all out. Let everything spill out and scream to the heavens how fucked up his existence was. 

God made him like this after all. 

"I don't want to talk about it." He finally said after a moment with his thoughts, fighting his own will that strived for him to retreat into that suffocating darkness of his own subconscious. 

"That's fair.. do you want some candy?" He doesn't wait for Karkat to respond, in favor he pulls out some snacks from his backpack. 

"Sure." He partook in the treats and they neither of them spoke up for the rest of class. 

~~~

The next while consisted of school work, friends, and juggling his own broken psyche. Honestly we could use karkats mental breakdowns as a time frame, but it's easier to just say it's been three months. 

But honestly, it hasn't been all that bad, Jade agreed to go to church with him every Sunday and Karkat got to convince his parents to sign up for the robotics club, every Friday for about an extra hour of school Karkat was able to try and make more friends. 

Wow. Everyone in this club was a full blown out nerd. But beggars can't be choosers. 

He communicated well enough with the other kids in the club, the first time showing up he took a double or maybe even triple take at a certain blonde boy in class, it was obvious enough that when he looked up the other kid made a face, softly scowling before shaking his head in disagreement.

"Im not Dave. You're Karkat aren't you?" 

Karkat could definitely see now, the hair was wrong and the glasses were more exaggerated and pointy. "Oh.. yeah. Sorry. I didn't mean to stare at you." Karkat spoke sheepishly. Unsure why it made him a bit nervous.

"Yeah. It's fine. I'm his brother. Dirk. Don't worry about me. I'm not apparent to the plot line." He spoke, his voice a bit deeper. Definitely not daves. 

"Uh. What?" Karkat said, but he can feel his head nod, as if he understood in the most subnormal way. 

"Nothing. Ignore me. I'm just going to go back to what I do best." This guy readjusted his gloves and all but faded from any importance. 

A hand touched karkats shoulder. He tensed, before lifting up his head. Jade smiled at him which made him respond with a smile of his own. "Don't worry about him.. he. Uh. Talks about.. Interesting things." 

Karkats eyebrows squeezed together, but he nodded again, accepting the answer.

With that, the club was at least a bit interesting. Karkat started to learn how to code, sure he was bad at it, but at least it was something he found interesting, and fun, and he enjoyed watching jade's eyes light up as he inevitably explained his shitty coding to the rubber duck. 

Life was good, even on Sundays when he had to stick through hours of listening to his father talk, Jade did uphold her end of the promise, every Sunday she met the family with another beautiful dress on, to the point Karkat just had to ask how many she owned. 

Jade giggled, giving a soft shrug. "That's a good question. I honestly don't have a clue, but I did just change my closet into my winter clothes." 

Karkat opened the large front doors of the church letting her and his parents walk inside, he was starting to get used to this. And he didn't know if he wanted to. there was definitely a nervousness surrounding this entire ordeal, but his parents seemed happy, hell, his mother was starting to even feel close to Jade. It was nice. 

It was all so unbelievably… normal. 

Fuck. This was great. The only bad feelings he should be having is reprimanding himself for not being happy enough about this. 

"Earth to Karkat." Jade waved a hand in front of him, which sent the boy back to this time and reality, Karkat turned his head. They were the only two in the main hall right now. "Oh good. You've landed." She laughed again, smiling softly. "Since you're back i wanted to ask you something."

Karkat was not back completely; he rubbed his face to give her the full attention she deserved. "Yeah. Yeah. What's up?"

"Your mom and I have been talking." She started.

"I'm glad. You two seem to get along well enough." Karkat held his hands together, completely unsure where this conversation was going. 

"She said that you've been talking about me a lot." 

He has? "I have. Yeah."

"She thinks we would get along together." She took a half step closer, her dress swishing softly as her knee lifted and moved back down. 

"..I think we do too." Karkat took his own half step in their awkward little dance, moving sideways, a pivot of his feet. So minute of a difference he was sure it would go unnoticed. 

"So would you like to ask me out?" 

Karkat let out a low and slow breath of air, like he was a balloon and a small child was deflating him. 

Wait, what was he thinking, he wasn't deflating. He sucked back in a breath, totally cutting that metaphor in its tracks. He was not the embodiment of the high pitched noise balloons make as they die. "Yes." 

She smiled again, so nice and so sweet, closing the distance between the two of them. Her arms wrapping around Karkats neck. 

They even held hands as they sat in the pews.

His mother looked proud and there was an almost apparent smile on his fathers lips. 

Karkat scratched at old scabs on his palms with his free hand, smearing the droplets of blood onto his dress pants once he felt the wet sticky feeling.

Yep. Perfectly normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was definitely going to have a joke when Dave asked karkat if he could touch him, Karkat saying he could touch his elbow, and then Dave rubbing it. Haha I'm touching your weenus. But then I was 200 words into karkats panic attack and I just didn't change it. So. Thats how we're here..


	9. We're going downwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay. Guys. PLEASE READ. Karkat gets called an inappropriate slur by a family member. Again. I am not trying to play light with what karkats going through.

Chap 9

Dinner. The ultimate test of his day. Every single day. Karkat felt nauseated but kept his composure as he pushed the food from one side of his plate to the other. 

"Karkat. No elbows on the table." 

He quickly retreated his arm, nodding softly without a word, he didn't want to talk, he didn't want to be bombarded with meaningless questions and remarks of his composure. He just wanted the day to end, he wanted this break to end. So he could go back to school and see his friends, Dave, and his girlfriend. 

That idea hadn't stuck yet. But it has only been half a day. He'd probably feel better about it once he saw her again after winter vacation. Yeah. That's probably it. 

"Kankri will be coming home tomorrow for a few days. Are you excited." His mother spoke up again, which was a nice change from the only noise being the forks against plates. That noise was always ear splitting. 

"Yes. I'm excited." He said. Trying to fake just the right amount of enthusiasm as his eyes focused on spinning the yam under his fork without breaking it. 

They didn't seem to care that his voice was flat. Another few clanks of silverware, as if the two adults talked amongst themselves in morse code with the metal and glass. 

"He's been sending me his report cards." She spoke again, making karkat wonder if his mother hated the silence just as much as he did, or at least she seemed talkative today.

His dad spoke up this time, leaning back on the chair ever so slightly as he started talking. "Yes. I've seen them."

"I'm so proud of him." She let herself smile as her husband spoke. 

"Yes. And I'm sure he'll be glad to know his little brother got a girlfriend, and isn't a faggot like we thought." That was his fathers voice, followed by his mother sternly saying the older man's first name. But he couldn't quite tell. Karkats ears were ringing, as if all the blood inside of him was boiling and the steam escaped from his eardrums. 

It took everything in Karkat not to cover his ears, not to react. He knew that would be bad, the exact opposite reaction of what was to be desirable, so he sat there, waiting to be excused as he watched his parents. Not focusing on every single detail, not focusing on slide remarks or stabs in the backs with words. He couldn't bring himself to care. He used all his energy on trying to feel his fingertips again, and trying to get the ringing to stop with pure willpower and without moving a single muscle. 

~~~

He wasn't sure how he got to his room, one person said something, and then voices raised louder and louder until someone decided to leave. Dismissing Karkat in the process and letting him flee into his room, It was all so unclear, the details became fog in his head and turned his insides sour. 

It never used to be like this, he never heard either of them raise their voices until Karkat did something bad, first at him. Then at each other, he felt like he was the one to blame, he knew in his heart he was the one to blame, he was the one who threw the knife between the two, started a fire under their feet, whatever metaphor you want to use he did it. It was always him.

The darkness in his head wasn't any help either, eating away at him. A ravenous monster eating bit by bit inside of him, nothing would stop the thing until everything inside of Karkat was bad and rotten, chewed up and spit out. Not good enough to swallow and eat. 

But he had to keep it hidden. He had to play cool in front of his family. He couldn't purposefully tear them apart any faster. It would be unforgivable. 

They would hate him. Hate him more than they already do. 

Karkat didn't know how long he'd stayed in that exact position, laying on his bed and holding his pillow, it had to be a few hours; late enough into the night the grandfather clock down the hall had stopped chiming. Indicating the later hours. 

Karkat sat up, rubbing his face, he was too afraid to cry, he expected someone to walk in and check on him. He didn't want to add to the list of things he'd done wrong. He had tried so hard and it already felt like he sacrificed so much today alone. 

No. That wasn't fair. That was a bad thought. Jade deserved more than that.

Karkat slipped off the bed, as if that would stop his thinking process, checking the alarm clock it was a little less than midnight. The adults are definitely asleep by now. 

Standing in his room Karkat clenched his hands. Sore palms from misuse, but he couldn't focus on that now, he was tired yes, but completely awake as if his body screamed for two completely different things, already starting to unravel him from the inside out with every contradicting thought imaginable.

Karkat pardoned himself to his window, touching the glass it felt cool to his skin, flinching softly as if the glass was electrified. 

The thought hadn't fully surfaced, running his fingers over cold glass, sure if he imagined them hard enough metal bars would take the place of the tempered glass window. 

Sure. Karkats fingers slid from the glass, making a soft squeaking noise as it did so. He thought about leaving many times, but with nowhere to go and nothing to do he expected the first and only thing to happen when he jumped out that window was a swift and easy kidnapping of a wandering child. He was afraid, a genuine fear that had been beaten into him as a small child since he understood the word "misconduct". 

But would that really be so bad. Karkats feet turned again, as if having a battle with himself, pivoting to the outside world.. to freedom. 

Karkat. Come on this is getting boring. 

The boy let out a deep sigh, he could just wonder. No harm, no foul. Be back before morning comes.

The road was paved. The window unlocked, pushed open with the might of a scared and desperate child. 

He sucked in a breath, unsure how to feel. He'd never gone this far before. 

Come on.

He leaned out, judging the distance, trying to figure if he could climb back in again once his escapade was done and over with.

Just go, the logistics don't matter. 

Karkat could see the lights of the twenty-four hour gas station just over the hill, he could walk there in ten.. no. Twenty minutes. 

He could get those things that Dave gave him, sweet sugar wrapped in paper. He could almost taste them now. 

You're just stalling now. 

You'd like to think that wouldn't you?

Karkat leaned back, petty theft was not on his to-do list. He could barber or beg maybe, to get the things he desired. 

Or. 

Karkat walked to his bag, unzipping the first compartment, a few quarters sitting at the bottom, completely untouched from a few months ago. The note, starting to turn darker with age, sat beside it. 

Dave.. he said you could call any time. 

Karkats lips pressed together, was it too late to do so.. he could at least try..

He stuffed the money into his dress pants before quickly and swiftly climbing out the window, he was agile and graceless but at least he got outside, ignoring the fact as he landed he crumbled, his feet unsure how to catch his own bodyweight.

But he got up, dusted himself off.

And completely regretted his decision. 

No.

Okay fine, geez, only a little regretted his decision, karkat turned and started down the path, literally and metaphorically paved for him since construction started not too long after his family moved in. 

The walk was slow, dragged out as if every step was hesitated, one wrong move would set off alarms, notifying everyone in the vicinity of his misdeeds. 

He hadn't even realized when he picked up the pay phone, the instant ring buzzing into his ear, indicating it was alive. 

He pressed the buttons, phone number memorized at this point, slow, but not too slow because he couldn't back down now. 

The buzz clicked and turned to a ringing that vibrated inside of him.

Oh God what was he doing.

Why was he even..

Karkat covered his mouth, a nervousness making him feel like he was going to vomit, but he knew he couldn't, he was at his limit, he had to eat something soon before he blacked out.

"..llo?"

Karkat released the breath he didn't know he was holding.


	10. Literally brain dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't know man. I just think confrontation is neat

The voice was deep, too deep, an adult man. Karkat registered that instantly, but karkat wasn't even sure if he should start talking, the fear of adult figures definitely instilled into him. Maybe he should just hang up and leave

But..he had to.. he'd gone this far. 

"Hi. Is Dave there?" His voice was shaking, but he had to work with it. Hopefully this man won't over analyze or pry and ask too many questions. 

"Who's asking?" 

Fuck. "I'm Karkat.. Dave's friend."

"From school?"

He tried not to seem frustrated, they were simple questions, but he almost had it for the day. "Yes. Sir."

The older man seemed to mull the information over, taking a few seconds to pause before karkat heard the clanking of the receiver, as if it had been set on the table. Not too long afterwards he heard the noise again, as if being shuffled to be picked up. Low and staggered breathing was the first thing he heard. "Hey. Karkat.. uh. Hey. Isn't this a surprise?"

Karkat pushed his eyebrows together, something seemed.. 

"You've never called me before. I think I'm starting to rub off on you."

Karkat moved his other hand onto the payphone as well as he let out a slow breath. "Yeah.. hey. Are you okay?"

Dave let out a low chuckle, Karkat could imagine Daves shoulders bobbing up and down as he does so. "Yeah I'm fine. I'm worried about you though.. Did something happen? Is that why you're calling me?"

Karkat wasn't even sure at this point why he had called, he couldn't tell Dave what had happened, fear welled up in his throat. As if he expected Dave to react badly if he told the other boy what had happened, as if Dave would agree with his father. "No.. well. Not really. I wanted to hear your.."

There was a loud noise and Dave let out a hiss of air, he swore a few times, stringing a couple fucks together with a few more flavorful words. 

"Dave? What happened?" Karkat held tighter to the phone, reflexively he tensed, clenching his fingers to metal. 

"Shit. Fuck. No. Nothing happened. It's fine. I." He let out another low breath. A hiss of sorts.. as if he was in pain. 

God damn it can't he have something nice for once in his pathetic and miserable life. 

It must have been a few seconds of silence, the soft ring of the electronic buzzing in karkats ear, giving him the most comfort he felt, but the hair on the back of his neck still stood up. Something was wrong. Really fucking wrong, and maybe it was bad, that karkat was focusing so intently on Daves issue instead of his own so Karkat could focus on something else for once. 

"Karkat?" Dave said after the long pause, bring the other boy back to reality

Karkat shook his head in the process. The damn fog. 

"Is that okay?"

"What is?" 

"I.." Dave started, his voice was level, flat, and it scared him. "My brother needs me, can you call me back friday night? Unless you can't I understand." 

No. That wasn't fair. He needed Dave now. He needed.. he didn't know what he needed. Five fucking minutes of shit not hitting the fan?

Oh wouldn't that be nice.

Karkats heart felt like it splintered, as if it had finally pulsed after so long, but his heart was made of skewers and they jabbed him from the inside out. 

"Yeah.. yeah. I can do that." Karkat finally said. 

"Thanks dude. I'll make it up to you. Buy you lunch or something."

"Okay." 

"I gotta go now. So.. Friday. Please."

"Friday." Karkat echoed, before placing the phone back onto its stand, he was shaking again, as if he vibrated hard enough he could disappear all together. "Fucking hell." He whispered before rubbing tears on his sleeve. Almost wishing for an unmarked car to speed in and take the boy away from this place. Repercussions be damned. 

His feet started moving and he honestly couldn't remember the walk home, kicking his shoes off after crawling through the window, breath hitched in his throat, trying not to sob any harder. 

Karkat got on his knees and grabbed a box from under his bed. The familiar purple. His security blanket. Faded with age. And smelt like moth balls. He pressed the jacket to his face, sleep came. At one point. But he didn't know when reality ended and the nightmares began.

~~~

Is it time to be Dave yet? I'm tired. 

No. You wouldn't want to be him anyways.

Oh..can I be anyone else but me for once?

No. We don't think we can.

Can you make it better?

We could make it worse.

No. Don't do that.

~~~

The rest of the week was like doing a handstand while trudging through mud except for the fact he did not know how to do a handstand. 

Yet on the bright side, the idea of Friday night was like a fucked up gift he was excitedly waiting for. 

It was like he was in battle, but given a cardboard sword to fight against the monsters, he just had to survive long enough till that day. 

And then what?

I don't know. Survive more?

As promised his older brother did show up, bringing small gifts for the family. A t-shirt from the college for Karkat. And small knick knacks for the elders.

Oh shit. It's Christmas isn't it.

That night was like any other night, every night was just one more closer to Friday, and once that night rolled around, Karkat almost ran down the hall excusing himself to his bedroom. 

He was almost home free when a hand caught his shoulder. "Hey Kark."

Fucking.. "hey. Kank." 

"Can we talk? I feel like you haven't said three words to me all week." 

Karkat pressed his lips together, including the two he just said the number was about five now. Which makes three a complete under examination. Karkat nods gently, opening his door and letting the college student inside. 

"So.. I heard you have a girlfriend. Thats nice. Do you want to talk about it?" Kankri walked inside, sitting down at the desk chair, Karkat taking the edge of the bed.

"No." He answered harshly. Too harshly. Fuck. "Thanks."

"Okay.. how's classes?" 

Karkat let himself shrug slowly before dropping his shoulders. He almost enjoyed the small defiance he was allowed to give his kin. 

Kankri smiled gently, letting out a gentle puff of air, something close to a chuckle, at least that's what the younger brother could read. "Alright. Decent I'm assuming. I heard you're in a club now."

"Robotics." Karkat added the detail, almost enjoying this conversation now. His back ebbing slowly onto his bed. Expecting this conversation to last a bit longer than he'd like. 

"Are you enjoying it?"

"Yeah." 

"Is there anything going on?"

"No."

"Do you want to talk to me?"

"..not really."

Kankri pushed his lips together as his eyebrows did the same thing. "Will you listen to me?"

"I might."

Kankri heaved his chest, taking the air in he needed. "You can always talk to me. I'm not the bad guy you're trying to make me out to be. What do you take me for? First and foremost I'm your brother, a college student and subservient man second. I-"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Karkat interjected. 

"Our ideals may be different but we stand together. With that-"

"Ideals? I don't have ideals i just want..I want.." he felt a ball get tossed into his throat, it could have been a tennis ball, with how heavy his throat felt instantaneously.

"Want what karkat?"

That was a good question. A question filled with so many different answers, most self deprecating, most dark and scary answers he didn't want to think about. Regardless of the good intent behind some of them. "... a new me. Or a new family."

"You don't want that. I feel this is a perfect communication opportunity if we decide to come together and face this as equals. Of course I'll expect-"

"I actually think that's really what I want, Kank. Now. Can you go?"

"That you enact the most basic..."

"Leave." 

~~~

The payphone was colder than it had been last time, pressing it to his ear and feeling the hum inside of him, something similar to soothing. 

Like he knew what that was. 

Soon the receiver no longer hummed, buzzing as he waited for someone on the other line to pick up. 

He heard talking, not addressed to him, but talking nonetheless. 

“On come on, it’s for me…”

The voice was distant, he couldn’t quite tell. But he was sure it was Daves.

“Dirk. come on man, this isn’t funny.”

“It’s kinda funny, let me say hi to him.”

“I expected this from bro not you.”

Rustling, and clanking. 

Fuck. he wished his fights with his brother was like this, the corner of his mouth lifted up gently. So that’s what normal feels like. 

“Fuck. Jesus. Hey.. Karkat?” that was finally it, as clear as day, the voice he’d been waiting to hear, not frustrated, or on the edge of scared. No. just mildly breathless from the small battle with his sibling. 

“Hey. Did you win?”

“Win?”

“Yeah. like. Over the phone.”

Dave laughed, a genuine laugh. “Yeah. Had him running for his fucking money. Anyways, sorry about the other night, bro needed me for something. But he’s out of town for the weekend, I’m all yours to tell me all your deepest darkest secrets while I'm assuming you're sneaking out.”

“Who said I was sneaking out?” Karkat interjected quickly and defensively. 

“Are you?”

It took a second, longer than he intended to respond.

Dave laughed again, gently and softly this time. “Fucking bet. Here I thought it would take a lot longer to get you to start doing shit on your own volition.”

Karkat couldn’t help his own chuckle. Rolling his eyes as he shook his head. “Then you know for a fact i’d be killed if anyone found out about this, so. You should be at least a little more grateful.”

“I am grateful.” Dave admitted quickly, “here you are, risking your life just to talk to me. I’m touched. You have no idea how much touching is happening.”

“Gross.” Karkat snorted, he couldn’t help his smile. His cheeks were starting to hurt and it had only been a few minutes or so. 

“Nothing gross about our touching Karkat.”

“Oh my god stop.”

“Keep touching me Karkat.”

“I will hang up this phone i swear to fuck Strider.”

Dave let out a noise as he spoke, something akin to a small dog. “Noooooo. Don’t do that. Okay. fuck. I’ll shut up. About that one specific thing. No more touching ol’ strider no sir.”

“Good. so..”

“Great. Anyways.”

“Now that our tomfucker is out of the way.” Karkat started, honestly unsure where to go at this point, he had to nitpick what he was able to talk about, what he felt comfortable sharing with dave. 

“Whatcha wanna talk about? Man is this what girls feel like talking over the phone. I don’t know. I’ve never had a best friend before. Well. Save a penpal I've kept over the years.”

“Oh? You've never told me about them.”

“Dude i can’t just tell you every detail all the time, yeah. He’s a pretty cool dude, about our ages, or maybe. I don’t know. He could be a thirty year old guy, but old guys can be cool too I guess, age doesn’t nigate coolness, anyways. It was a class assignment when we started getting computers and shit. One school talked to another or whatever and I got signed up with Egbert.”

“Egbert?”

“Yeah. my penpal. Keep up. Anyways. He’s cool. Wait. I already said that. He’s really into movies, I think he’s got the worst taste in movies ever but that dude can send emails upon emails of this garbade.”

Karkat listened, letting out a soft and contend sigh, his shoulder slacked and it just dawned on him that Daves voice was.. Well.. it was.. really really calming.

“Karkat? Earth to Karkat?” Dave spoke a bit louder than before, trying to get the other boys attention. 

Karkat justed, a tension in his spin gripping him as he stood up straight. “Huh?”

“Shit dude did you fall asleep?”

“No..”

“Then what was I talking about, huh?”

Fuck. “movies?”

“Yeah but I wanted to know if you wanted to go see it, like. I know you said that the whole hanging out thing is unavailable after school.. But.. what if we hung out after bedtime, then it’s not after school and then i’m not technically breaking one of your rules.. They're open this late on fridays.. No one would care that a few teens were hanging out. Especially since. Like. I've got Dirks licence half the time. Anyone asks, we're both 17 and you forgot your licence at home. Well fuck. You do have a baby face. You could probably pull off almost 17 if we batted our eyes hard enough. Are you good at begging? I’m good at begging. What do you say? What if i come get you.. Like.. asap. And we hit the town.” 

“...uh..” Panic and curiosity mingled in Karkats stomach… or maybe he just needed to throw up.

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhhhhh...
> 
> Soooo this is my first fanfiction ever.
> 
> Its a dumpster fire i know but its my dumpster fire.


End file.
